I woke up with a massive headache.
Couldn't put a finger on what it was. I could've been the dog. He laid in my bed for a few minutes yesterday. I stopped letting him sleep with me because think I may be developing a slight allergy- if that's possible. It could've been the spray paint fumes from all the DIY projects I'd been doing this weekend. The fumes seem to still enter the apartment from our outside patio, but I was hoping that burning wood in the fireplace would help burn up the excess fumes.
Ah yes, those DIY projects. Those projects that have served me well. The ones that continue to keep me busy, and focused on something other than my circumstances. Those projects that I've needed and welcomed because the distraction is good for me.
However, there's a greater than slight chance that the headache I woke up to was due to stress.
Come with me
I made my son come with me this morning. Coffee usually does the trick to both relax me and give me the caffeine I need to subside most budding migraine headaches. We ended up driving around, stopped for donuts and of course by my favorite thrift store. As the day went on, I could feel my headache subsiding and I started feeling better. I turned my face toward the sun to absorb the rays. The warmth on my face always makes me feel better. It sparked a conversation with my son about "grounding". I gave him an assignment to research the benefits of placing your bare feet on the earth.
I get worried.
Sometimes I worry about my health. I know the stress of our current circumstance is not good for my body and I'm carrying a lot more than usual. I started texting love ones today. I sent his father a "get your s*%! together just in case anything happens to me" text...it was all in love of course. I sent a text to a good friend telling him to take care of himself. Then, I stopped right before I sent my mother a teary eyed text about how her strength gets me through. Knowing that she and my Grandma Ann have survived worse and with far more than one child depending on them.
I cried instead. In the car just after leaving a movie with my son in the car. He was in the back seat distracted by his phone. I looked twice in my rearview mirror to make sure he couldn't see me. Then I swallowed it up when I felt that first heavy gasp for air... aka the point of torrential tears. I wiped my face, stopped with the ugly facial expressions and made it home. We shared a convo about the movie as we sat down to eat. My eyes still a little red, but him not ever knowing. Thankfully.
Overall, transition has been good to me. Its often easy to look on the bright side but there's still the reality that in many ways transition has been tough as %^ll. I'm still without a full-time job or health insurance. I definitely know that this isn't the worse thing that could happen. I'm working temp and I do still have my business. We eat, we've managed to pay our bills, but I remember when I did it without struggle. I remember when my savings account still existed. RIP.
There is always risks associated with every move you make. As my emotions began to subside I thought about how it will all be worth it. I know that I'm exactly where I need to be in this season. Not many people can say that. I wake up daily with that reassurance, but it doesn't mean that I don't juggle the bull.
I'm ending the day coming full circle and rested in the reassurance that I'm on the brink of something great. Today I had to remind myself that I'm swimming in shallow water and all I've got to do is stand up. That when I focus on encouraging others and trusting in God's process that I'll be alright. That my experiences have always made me a better, more empathic person. I remind myself that my son is thriving and becoming his best self in this new environment and that makes it all worth it. I'm also reminding myself that today isn't every day and some tough days are necessary.
The day in closing
As women and mothers our strength is unparalleled. On any given day we are faced with real emotions. It's up to us to swim through them, embrace what's needed, and then cut through the bull.
God has always provided, continues to provide and will provide. It's my job to make sure I'm taking care of myself in the meantime.