Dating & Relationships

Single and Hiding: The illusive Built-In Wall

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You’re at a wedding and it’s time for the bouquet toss….

All of the ladies who are seriously dating are sort of galloping like ponies to the dance floor (not seriously but indulge me for a sec). Everyone is filled with excitement and anticipation for this part of the program except for you, you head to the very back of the crowd and try to blend in with all of the other happy go lucky women. Suddenly the bouquet is tossed in the air and these women are no longer themselves. You picture them in your mind in softball uniform; game face on, squatted low, swaying back and forth, spitting out chewing tobacco. At the flick of the bride’s wrist the women’s personalities changed from an episode of “Clueless” to “Hunger Games”. The likelihood of you catching a knee, being shoved violently or even smacked in the face was probable. You on the other hand, just as single as the rest of them, went out on the floor but stood near the back. You were the one that didn’t really want to catch the bouquet. It was different for you, there was a reality in that toss that you didn’t want to face. As soon as the toss was over you wiped your forehead with a dramatic sigh of relief that the bouquet didn’t fly in your direction. You then jumped back on the dance floor to enjoy the rest of the night.

You haven’t dated in years and you don’t want to. Being single is safe, it’s comfortable and it provides its own built in wall for you to keep everyone out. You are happier than ever living out your dream life. You travel, pamper yourself, you eat out all the time, you spend money on whatever you feel like and you don’t need anyone to get in the way of that. Yes, while you are single, grow wings and fly, and accomplish the greatest feats in life but don’t allow it to keep you from being hurt again, from worrying about the “what ifs”. You may be “saving yourself the drama” but you may also be missing out on something that it takes people a lifetime to find. I understand being single. I understand what you are trying to accomplish on your own. I also understand the weight of relationships; the time and the effort. If you are anything like me, we often give so much of ourselves in relationships and we have nothing to show for it. However, Iyanla says it best, “You cannot experience the fullness of your authentic self or life when you live to avoid hurt. You will never know the joy of love or the peaceful satisfaction of being loved if you hide from hurt”. Don’t hide under the guise that you are single and satisfied be honest and say that you are afraid of trying again. You’ve been bruised and broken and you still bare the scars. Take the time to heal but don’t let what once was keep you from what could be. There is no pain too great, no cut too deep that you can’t heal from. You are strong, resilient and you can be loved and have the ability to love again. Don’t get stuck in the trap of a mindset that love will never find you. You are just letting fear lead. Enjoy being single, fall in love with your journey but don’t build a wall around being single that it becomes impenetrable.

Allow yourself the opportunity to love again and to be loved. Don’t submerge yourself in busyness that you never emerge. The great news is that there is someone out there for you and you are deserving of it. Next time you are at a wedding and they are tossing the bouquet go out there and give it a try. I know that you will never go into “Hunger Games” mode, Thank God! But get energized about the possibility. It is better to hope than to not hope at all

With Love,

Mellissa

© She Smiles Within

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20 Comments

  • Reply
    Monja
    December 6, 2014 at 6:03 am

    So much truth in your words… The problem is to get behind the wall. Why should I give myself all that pain again? there must be a really gut reason, then you go for it!

  • Reply
    Fi Ní Neachtáin
    December 6, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    I can’t relate to this post as I haven’t been single since I was 15! I would encourage anyone looking for someone special to take a chance though, you never know when you might find love. Plus, trying to catch the bouquet is fun 🙂

  • Reply
    Tracy @ Ascending Butterfly
    December 6, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    I dig what you are saying, but for the ladies who are cool riding solo they shouldn’t feel pressured by anyone to rush into a relationship either just to prove to anyone their ‘heart is open’. I am single, and quite frankly I’m very happy that way. 🙂

  • Reply
    Vanessa Morgan
    December 6, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    There’s a lot of truth here. There can be a lot of comfort in being single. Have a lovely weekend.

  • Reply
    Tami
    December 6, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    I can’t imagine being single again. Marriage has its difficulties but I wouldn’t trade it for having to date again.

    • Reply
      SheSmiles
      January 17, 2015 at 9:36 pm

      I have a friend who says this quite often. She hears all of the dating horror stories from her single friends and would rather deal with the difficulties of marriage than trade places.

  • Reply
    Paula Parker
    December 6, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Yes, it is time to get back in the game again. Thanks for the motivation! Great article.

  • Reply
    Jeanine
    December 7, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Great post and great words. So very true!

  • Reply
    Chrissy Mazzocchi
    December 7, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    I would so be like you in the back trying to blend into the wall haha. I’ve always hated the throwing of the bouquet 🙂

  • Reply
    CourtneyLynne
    December 7, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    What an interesting outlook on all of this! I’ve been married and in a relationship forever so its hard for me to relate but I definitely think this is interesting 😉

  • Reply
    Echo
    December 7, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    It is so easy to hide behind walls. I did that for a long time.

  • Reply
    Rebecca
    December 8, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    I love the way you describe the single life, it sounds whimsical and fulfilling. I got married at 19 (WHOA) and nearly 10 years later, I feel like waiting longer before marrying would have been just as fun.

  • Reply
    Eileen
    December 9, 2014 at 2:43 am

    Being single has its perks! But so does being in a couple. But I think whatever makes your happy is best 🙂

    • Reply
      SheSmiles
      January 17, 2015 at 9:33 pm

      Yes, I agree as well. Every season has it’s perfect timing.

  • Reply
    Yona Williams
    December 9, 2014 at 5:08 am

    lol @ your description of a bouquet toss (“personalities changed from an episode of “Clueless” to “Hunger Games”.) I can just visualize all of this. I haven’t had the pleasure of being in a bouquet toss BUT I think I would be competitive to catch it…and not because of what the bouquet stands for.

  • Reply
    Aisha Kristine Chong
    December 9, 2014 at 9:07 am

    This is something I would have to share my bestfriend.. she has been single all her life.

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